I just got done looking through videos and pictures of the kids and it is really setting in just how much I miss them. I also went through pictures of the volunteers I grew close with and I am really starting to miss them more and more as well. That is the hard part of it all. Missing someone is a very contradicting emotion to go through. The emotions that come from missing someone tend to be looked at as negative but in reality shouldn't always be. I realize that the hurt that comes from missing someone sucks so bad and I hate it but I am so thankful that I have met the beautiful people I have, the ones that have given me something to miss.
I remember a few of my fellow volunteers talking about how they weren't going to get attached to the kids, that there was no way they could get attached and then leave. These individuals wouldn't spend as much time at the orphanage and when they did they wouldn't make a strong connection with the kids. As soon as I heard this come from their mouths I knew I couldn't disagree more. I knew it was going to hurt like hell to leave the kids but I wouldn't want it any other way. To walk away from an amazing opportunity like the one I had and feel nothing would be my biggest nightmare. Not only that, but these kids deserve to be missed. They deserve to be loved so much that it feels like we might die from heartache when we return to our "normal" lives. Some volunteers would sneak out on their last day, trying to ensure that the kids wouldn't make a big deal about their departure. But it is a big deal. To make a meaningful connection with someone is a big deal, it's the biggest of deals we can make in this life. Yes, it's going to hurt to leave a person when the connection is strong, but that is the price we have to pay for the beauty of the connection itself.
I felt sick on my last day in Africa, my stomach was in knots and the idea of saying goodbye to the people I had grown so close to seemed impossible. As soon as I arrived at the orphanage that morning two beautiful boys ran as fast as they could to me while I walked up to the doors of the orphanage. Ishmael, being one of the runners, ran into my arms giving me a massive hug. I heard him say "you are leaving today." He said the words not so much as a question, but as a fact that needed some reassurance. I nodded my head yes, gave him a slight grin and told him it wouldn't be until later. I took his hand and we walked inside together. He sat by me every minute I was at the orphanage that day. I held his hand as we sat and told him when I got home I was going to start saving up in order to come back again. As my time there started coming to an end I felt even more sick. I wished that I could magically talk to each person at the orphanage one by one, telling them all how much I loved them. I wished I could do this without anyone seeing me cry but I knew that was going to be completely impossible. Finally I asked Allie, a beautiful volunteer and an awesome new friend, if she would please walk with me while I said goodbye around the orphanage. She agreed, I took a deep breath and knew that it was time. I stood up and immediately started crying. I made my way around to everyone that was there. I shook hands, hugged, spun around, squeezed and waved my way across the dirt floor. Each goodbye had its own story and I wouldn't trade the little bit of heartbreak that came with each one for anything.
Our culture is so scared to let certain emotions be shown publicly. It's frowned upon to cry in front of others because it might make them uncomfortable but why should true emotion ever be frowned upon? As long as it isn't hateful and threatening, it should just be. Cry if you feel it, it is raw and true and there is no reason to hide it. Never be ashamed of letting your true love for someone or something be shown. There is nothing more liberating than the truth and there is nothing more amazing than knowing your loved and that the person you love feels your love for them.
Now that I am home I am trying my best to accept the feelings that come with missing. I have changes going on in my life right now that both excite and scare me and my biggest fear is missing how things are right now. I'm scared to miss my family, to miss my room and the way that my brother's huge dog jumps on my bed every morning, waking me up before I have to be awake. Fear is common when change is introduced in life but I am trying to disassociate change with panic. I want to realize the things I have right this moment that I am thankful for and when I am not around these things anymore I want to know that they aren't gone. That I can still appreciate them without feeling sad and recognize the new things in front of me that I am thankful for. I am thankful for the things I miss, because I know I wouldn't miss them if they wouldn't have made some kind of wonderful impact on my life. Revel in the act of missing, if it makes you sad, let it pass and remember the incredible reasons that make you miss it, whatever it may be.
*If you have a story that this entry reminds you of and you would like to share it, please feel free to email me. I would love to hear your story, whoever you may be. [email protected]
I remember a few of my fellow volunteers talking about how they weren't going to get attached to the kids, that there was no way they could get attached and then leave. These individuals wouldn't spend as much time at the orphanage and when they did they wouldn't make a strong connection with the kids. As soon as I heard this come from their mouths I knew I couldn't disagree more. I knew it was going to hurt like hell to leave the kids but I wouldn't want it any other way. To walk away from an amazing opportunity like the one I had and feel nothing would be my biggest nightmare. Not only that, but these kids deserve to be missed. They deserve to be loved so much that it feels like we might die from heartache when we return to our "normal" lives. Some volunteers would sneak out on their last day, trying to ensure that the kids wouldn't make a big deal about their departure. But it is a big deal. To make a meaningful connection with someone is a big deal, it's the biggest of deals we can make in this life. Yes, it's going to hurt to leave a person when the connection is strong, but that is the price we have to pay for the beauty of the connection itself.
I felt sick on my last day in Africa, my stomach was in knots and the idea of saying goodbye to the people I had grown so close to seemed impossible. As soon as I arrived at the orphanage that morning two beautiful boys ran as fast as they could to me while I walked up to the doors of the orphanage. Ishmael, being one of the runners, ran into my arms giving me a massive hug. I heard him say "you are leaving today." He said the words not so much as a question, but as a fact that needed some reassurance. I nodded my head yes, gave him a slight grin and told him it wouldn't be until later. I took his hand and we walked inside together. He sat by me every minute I was at the orphanage that day. I held his hand as we sat and told him when I got home I was going to start saving up in order to come back again. As my time there started coming to an end I felt even more sick. I wished that I could magically talk to each person at the orphanage one by one, telling them all how much I loved them. I wished I could do this without anyone seeing me cry but I knew that was going to be completely impossible. Finally I asked Allie, a beautiful volunteer and an awesome new friend, if she would please walk with me while I said goodbye around the orphanage. She agreed, I took a deep breath and knew that it was time. I stood up and immediately started crying. I made my way around to everyone that was there. I shook hands, hugged, spun around, squeezed and waved my way across the dirt floor. Each goodbye had its own story and I wouldn't trade the little bit of heartbreak that came with each one for anything.
Our culture is so scared to let certain emotions be shown publicly. It's frowned upon to cry in front of others because it might make them uncomfortable but why should true emotion ever be frowned upon? As long as it isn't hateful and threatening, it should just be. Cry if you feel it, it is raw and true and there is no reason to hide it. Never be ashamed of letting your true love for someone or something be shown. There is nothing more liberating than the truth and there is nothing more amazing than knowing your loved and that the person you love feels your love for them.
Now that I am home I am trying my best to accept the feelings that come with missing. I have changes going on in my life right now that both excite and scare me and my biggest fear is missing how things are right now. I'm scared to miss my family, to miss my room and the way that my brother's huge dog jumps on my bed every morning, waking me up before I have to be awake. Fear is common when change is introduced in life but I am trying to disassociate change with panic. I want to realize the things I have right this moment that I am thankful for and when I am not around these things anymore I want to know that they aren't gone. That I can still appreciate them without feeling sad and recognize the new things in front of me that I am thankful for. I am thankful for the things I miss, because I know I wouldn't miss them if they wouldn't have made some kind of wonderful impact on my life. Revel in the act of missing, if it makes you sad, let it pass and remember the incredible reasons that make you miss it, whatever it may be.
*If you have a story that this entry reminds you of and you would like to share it, please feel free to email me. I would love to hear your story, whoever you may be. [email protected]